It's Just Practice

I’ve never been a timely person. Well, let me try to rephrase this…

When I was younger, my mother was late to EVERYTHING. And being the easily annoyed teenage daughter that I was, this frustrated me to no end. So much so that I swore I would never be late to ANYTHING. And there are times I might arrive a few minutes late (which admittedly has happened more and more frequently lately… oh no. Am I really becoming my mother??) But for the most part, I arrive on time - or at least, when I have stated I will arrive - if not early.  

But getting things done early for everything else in my life?  No way Jose. This is why my home, car and desk are always a wreck. Why bills are often paid late. Why my oil gets changed at 7,000 miles instead of 5. Why thank you cards are mailed months later, if at all (thank you Emily Post for that 1 year grace period). And why this blog is so lovingly neglected time and time again. It seems I have lived 30 years of my life by the mantra: “Why do today what you can do tomorrow.” And I’m not really sure when that happened.

When I was in college - and even now in the work place - I still manage to get the “important” things done just in the knick of time. I prided myself on the age old adage “but I work best under pressure.” And although those wise professors and health gurus swear that procrastination is simply that - and not a way to solicit peak performance - it seems as though the pressure cooker of life has gotten me in a grip I can’t manage to get out of. 

And I want so badly to be a organized, timely person. Oh what a dream that would be. To walk in every morning to a uncluttered desk. To drive home in a freshly vacuumed car free of random stuff strewn across the back seat and trunk. And to walk into a room with a made bed (I would like to note that I do manage to make my bed for some unknown reason) that doesn’t have clothes piled halfway to the ceiling (and I’m sure my roommate would appreciate the lack of piles of stuff in random places around our apartment). It’s like my own little fairy tale.  

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a messy/dirty person. I just don’t get things done. I don’t think I’m lazy… Sometimes I just don’t even think to do things. Like drop off the bag of clothes that’s been sitting in my car for over a month to Goodwill.  (In fact now that I actually think about it, there’s a bag in my car AND in my room.) And I’m not entirely sure how to fix it. Because I’m certain that fixing it would make me a happier, healthier person. How do you make a procrastinator, unprocastinate? How do I make things other than people and fun my priority? And in the end, does it really matter?  Afterall, I am doing other productive things… Like writing a column for our kickball league and updating facebook at least 10 times a day. That should count for something, right? 

When we were infants we played Peek-a-Boo, Patty-Cake and “This Little Piggy”. Once we could walk and run we upgraded to Hide and Seek, Red Rover (because once upon a time parents were not afraid of letting their children get roughed up a little bit) and Duck, Duck, Goose. Eventually we graduated to “real” games: Card Games, Board Games… Drinking Games… But at some point we started playing another game entirely: The Mind Game.  

You know which one I’m talking about, the one that starts the instant you meet someone you’re even remotely attracted to. It’s like a flag goes up and suddenly a thousand rules and strategic points are streaming through your head. “Don’t say this” “Don’t do that” “Don’t act this way” “Whoaaa why are you saying that!” And this game continues throughout the course of your dating ritual. You don’t call when you really want to because “you shouldn’t”. You wait to tell him/her about a certain ex because you don’t want them to know about that part of your history “just yet”. The balance of the mind game has begun and it continues until at some point one of you decides that the games are enough and chooses to do something about it.

Why is it that we can’t just communicate with each other and say what we’re thinking? I met someone for drinks recently. Nice guy. Funny. Attractive. Good conversation. I’d be up for meeting again. But the vibes I’m getting from him aren’t the same - which is cool. But instead of him leading me on with the idea of us getting together again, why not just tell me that he’s not interested? Why play the game? And why am I playing the game by letting him drag me into it? If I want to talk to him when I see him chat, why do I hesitate to talk to him? It’s because I don’t want to lose the game. But with all of strategizing we complicate the process. We convolute the game and sometimes we make it impossible to navigate. I’m afraid of looking a certain way or coming off too strong too soon or whatever it is. Because unlike the games we played as kids, this one doesn’t really have a winner. All this game results in is a confused, unhappy and unfulfilled pair of individuals. 

So what would happen if actually said what was on our mind? Maybe not at the exact moment that a thought springs to our head (everyone likes a little thoughtful consideration and censorship every now and again). But instead of overthinking (Who, me??? What?? Women overthink things????) or pretending to be something other than what we are for the sake of the game, what if we let down our guard and allowed ourselves to BE ourselves?  Maybe we’d find that life is much more simple. Much more straightforward. Much more like the days of Hide and Seek and Duck, Duck, Goose.